2nd Post: Tales From The Ridge excerpt

The following is an excerpt from my future (ever?) novel/memoir/fire-fodder titled 'Tales From The Ridge'. Please know that 9-out of 10 people who come to The Ridge are genuinely in need of assistance and I am more than happy to help, listen, converse, whatever is necessary to show them the light of Christian love and compassion. Many people are positively impacted and genuinely blessed and I am equally blessed to assist them. However, there is always one...that ONE person who comes around every now and then and what results from our interaction is no less than a tale of TOTAL AWESOMENESS. Those tales are the inspiration for this book. I have changed all names, I have changed all likenesses. The stories are all true...and they are all hysterical...to me, at least.

Chapter 7: Geography Lesson

It was a Monday like any other, busy and full of promise. Suddenly, the radio was alive with the digitized dulcet tones of our Receptionist, Debra.
"ED! THIS IS DEBRA!"
"Go ahead, Debra."
"WE HAVE A 'GUEST'!"
"I'll be right there."
"OK!"
'Guest' is code for someone seeking benevolence...and no, Debra does not know how to not yell into the radio.


I strolled into the Welcome Center and found a white male, aged 45-48, with seven teeth and a duffel bag (which, comparatively speaking, is more than many of the people who come to us can claim positive possession of).

I approached and extended my hand in greeting.
"Hello there, My name is Ed Purchase. How can I help you today, brother?"
"I'm not your brother. You can call me Kenny."
"Ok, Kenny. How can I help you today?"
"I was told I could come here...I was robbed yesterday and they took everythi...I'm not drunk and I been clean for 48 months...I need clothes...I have books...my shirt is dirty...I work for ABC fixtures on Commercia...I was promised help if I came here...I want coffee."
That all came out at nearly the same time, and I would swear in court it came out all in one boozy breath. I informed him that the clothing closet and food pantry were only open during the week from 3PM-5PM and since it was 11AM, if he would please come back then (there are school classes held in that room). He took this pretty well, and said he would return.

The End.

No, that's not what happened. Not at all. This is The Ridge, and we hold the lease on Crazy.

"I can't come back...The Japs'll get me...They want revenge...for Hiroshima in '41."
"Uhhh..." (so help me, I really should know better) "I think Hiroshima was in '45, Ken."
"It's Kenny...and you don't know very much about Geography do you, buck-o?"
"Wait...What?"
"Geography. I been studying the Mediterranean...The Suez Canal...Egypt is invaded now and the Suez is closed for the first time in 3,000 years...when the Aztecs did it."

I should have laughed. I should have asked him again politely to leave. I really should have tried harder to control my urge to bathe freely in his mania. I did none of those things, and for that you can thank me later.

"Well, Ken..."
"Kenny."
"Right. Kenny...Egypt isn't actually invaded. That's their people causing all that ruckus. Also, I don't think the Aztecs have ever been to Egypt and if they had, I am quite sure they would have sent me a postcard, because I am 1/14th Aztec and Aztecs know it is rude to not send postcards."
"They were so...and and and...don't you know where Egypt is?"
"I do. It's in North Africa."
"Do you know where Morocco is?"
"North Africa."
"Do you know where Sudan is?"
"North Africa."
"Do you know where Tunisia is?"
"North Africa."
Do you know where Algeria is?"
"North Afr...Ok, you got me. Where is Algeria?"
"Next to Egypt. Do you know what else is next to Egypt? The Tigris River. The Euphrates. The Amazon. AND THE SUEZ CANAL! It's all right there, man...it's all right there. I know this, because I've been studying the Mediterranean."
"You have? Where?"

Now, all this time I have been maneuvering 'Kenny' outside and had succeeded in getting him out onto the patio in front of the Welcome Center. At that question, he stopped suddenly.
"Here! Right here."
He dropped his duffel bag with a thud and opened it. I was surprised to see that he did - in fact - have books in there.
"I've been studying The Mediterranean in this book, right here!"
He then produced and held aloft a copy of 'The Mediterranean Diabetes Cookbook' by Amy Riolo.
"I see..."
"You obviously don't know much about Geography."
"Oh, obviously."
"You should read more books about the Mediterranean."
"I will...I'll call my Aztec cousins and have them mail me some."
"You should. You really REALLY should. That kind of learning is important. Otherwise, you won't know where you are when you get there. I bet you never even seen sand before." He shook his head sadly.
"Probably not. Time to go Ken..."
"Kenny."
"Right, Kenny...time to go, brother...
"Not your brother."
I exhaled slowly...
"Yeeeeaaaaahhhhh...Bye-bye, bud."
"Read books and drink more coffee...I do and look at me; I'm no communist."

FIN

First blog. RANT TIME!!!

Random Rants - Volume 1:

- Parkour is a fad. A High-minded anti-etablishment protest for athletic yuppie hipsters who need to work out all of their angst, granola binges and exclusivist boutique-procured overly-caffeinated beverages. Disclaimer: I wish I could do it.

- The Florida Panthers are owned by an incompetent goober who entrusted his team to a salesman more interested in selling add space on the mascot's tookus than fielding a competitive product.

- Weezer needs to just put out B-side comps (for the uninitiated: compilation albums of un-released songs).

- JK Rowling can never write a successful story about anything else...ever. Not her fault, not her fault.

- Everything Bieber touches turns to Platinum. Everything I touch gives me germs. Fair?

- Fox News AM show 'Fox and Friends' just showed a bit on how Obama is "Seeing the sites in Rio while the world is in turmoil. Is that appropriate?" Then they said, "10 years ago today, Destiny’s Child had a number one video for 'Say My Name'. We'll be right back." Which one was that? Fair or Balanced? I can never tell.

My Wife (whom I love) has made me promise to read the books I have before I obtain any more. I made myself a list...and seeing as there were so many...I decided to read two at a time. Since I would naturally gravitate to more entertaining works vs. books that would actually teach me something, I separated the list into two categories: Must and Want. I will read two books at one time and only when both are finished will I move on to the next two. I have already finished 'How Shall We Then Live' by Francis Schaeffer, 'Killing Pablo' by Mark Bowden and 'The Pearl' by John Steinbeck.

What I am reading now:

You Can Change - Tim Chester

Death of a Salesman - Arthur Miller

My Twitter feed - Because I can