8th Post: Another "Tale From the Ridge"

What follows is another installment of my future magnum opus 'Tales From the Ridge'.

Chapter 3: He wants what?!?

It was a Thursday morning like any other, busy and full of promise and I was having none of it. I was feeling sick as a dog due to a mixture of eating garbage and staying up until all hours of the night (translation: my wife was out of town). All I wanted was the time to fly by as quickly as possible so I could go home and - finally!!! - beat that stupid level in Halo 3 that was kicking my tookus all over the place (the one where you have to infiltrate the crashed flood-controlled ship...I HATED that level). Anyway, the sleep-deprived haze I was under lifted suddenly when I was alerted on the radio by one of our Facilities workers, 'Vince'.

"Hey, Ed!"
"Go ahead, Vince."
"Hey, Ed we have a guy here in the Fellowship Hall looking for you!"
"I'm on my way."

Now Vince was a nervous guy, and he would get very nervous when it came to homeless people...not just the 'go-all-quiet' kind of nervous, but the awkward 'overly-worked-up-because-this-could-be-a-terrorist-or-a-Mormon-or-both-and-I-need-to-get-an-adult-to-deal-with-this' kind of nervous. Vince is 47 years old.

I walked into the fellowship hall and was immediately assailed by an over-whelming odor; a mixture of sweat, smoke, and general nastiness. My eyes instantly teared up, and it was through that glassy haze that I first beheld, 'Petey'.

Petey stood about 5 feet tall and weighed - easily - 85lbs (about 20 of that was beard). He had on a black t-shirt that said 'F.B.I. Female Body Inspector', very tight blue jeans (quite possibly sized for a toddler), and a pair of mismatched black boots. I noticed he had something in his front pocket shaped like a lighter...but I didn't want to know for sure...if you catch my meaning.

I walked up to Petey and Vince ran up to me and practically squealed, "I caught him smoking in the men's room!"
"Aw yur full'a ****. I wern't no smoking." Was Petey's articulate reply.
"You were so! Ed, the whole place reeks of it."
I made a gesture for Vince to calm down and looked at Petey, "What's your name, brother?"
"Petey, Sir. Are you the Lord Marshall?"
I really wanted to say 'yes' to that, because that is a sick title if ere there were one. Alas, I said, "No, Petey. I'm just the Security guy here. Were you smoking in the bathroom?"
"Nope, Sir...not smoking...not meeee. I always r'spect duh law'r."
"Petey," I said, "I'm smelling a lot of smoke coming from your (I waived my hand in a big circle in front of him) general area right now...and I think you're fibbing to me." I took a step closer, "Tell me the truth, please."
Petey had been staring intently at me the whole conversation up until this point and at my last statement, he looked at Vince, pointed and said, "He wants my body."
"He wants what?!?"
Vince visibly jumped and screamed, "THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID!!!" He turned to me and grabbed my arm, "Ed, I promise you...that is NOT what I said."
"Wait, you mean he might be almost correct in that statement?"
"All I said was, 'I will need to frisk you'."
"You're an idiot."
"He wouldn't give me the cigarettes."
"Are you a cop, Vince? Don't answer that, OF COURSE you're not! Therefore, you do not frisk anyone. Ever!"

I turned to look back at Petey and he was halfway down the Fellowship Hall at a full sprint. I ran after him and yelled, "Petey, stop!" In what was to be the third in a series of surprises that morning, he did.
"Whut d'yer want, Lord Marshall? I have to go."
"I want to know the truth."
"I may have been smok'n."
"Ok, do you know why you cannot smoke indoors and in bathrooms specifically?"
God love him, he really thought about it for a few seconds, "Cuz you might drop'em in der toy-lit?"
"Well, there is that...but I was going to say you could set off the fire sprinklers and that would make it a bad day for everybody."
"Do you even know whut a bad day looks like?!?" Petey asked me in a startling shift in personality. "I'll give you a lil' clue, you ig'nrant *******. It'zz a bus full'o kids and a bomb! A BOMB!!!!!!"

It's never easy dealing with the obviously insane and I have never taken a course or read a book, but I have learned more about looney-toons in 3 years at The Ridge than in any 40 books or lectures. Of course at that time I had barely been on the job a few weeks and was not quite sure where to take the convo from there. So I simply said, "I can dig it."
"Yeah." Was all Vince could think to add.

Petey had taken a very aggressive posture and was fidgeting with his left hand at his back pocket. So I asked him, "What you got back there, Petey?"
"Mud-butt. I got the mud-butt purty bad. D'ya mind eff'n I smoke?" And he proceeded to produce a pathetic excuse for a cigarette from his back pocket, as well as a lighter...my eyes immediately went to the aforementioned front pocket and instantly regretted it...because a dark stain was spreading.
"Petey! It's time to go, brother...NOW!"
"I am a'goin."
"NO! I mean leave!"
"You can't kick me out, you ************. This is a ************* church!"
"Oh yes I can, and you will leave right now or I'm calling the police."
"YOU SIT ON A BLACK THRONE OF LIES!!!! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO I AM!!!!! I'M THE KING OF FRANCE!!! I'M THE KING OF ************* FRANCE YOU *******!!!!"

I didn't really care what all he said after that, because he said it as he was running out the door towards US-1. I turned to look at Vince, and he was white as a ghost. Then Vince turned to me and said - I am not making this up, "I told you he was smoking."

Really?

EPILOGUE:

Later that afternoon, Petey was seen hiding behind the bushes in the back parking lot and I got called again. I ignored it.

FIN

What I am reading now:
You Can Change - Tim Chester
Think - John Piper
The Name of the Rose - Umberto Eco (Sean Connery did the movie based on this book, so you know its boss!)