My wife (heretofore known as Chelsey) said to me the other day as we were seated on our couch watching '70s show' reruns, "You know, in less than a month...there will be three of us living here." I looked at her and nearly channeled Elaine Benes' "SHUT UP?!?". Now I am not an imbecile, I just play one on TV...and not well. I have known for some time now that Chelsey was with child. I have been on multiple (multiple multiple multiple) shopping excursions to Babies R' Us, Buy Buy Baby, Target, and other stores dedicated to expanding the population of the Earth. I have been 'showered'. I have even been harassed (in love, to be sure) by extended family members as to the decision to not name my son Edward Richard Purchase V. I almost even bought a Honda Pilot with which to chauffeur my progeny in comfort and safety. In short (too late), I flippin' knew a baby was on the way! Yet that simple statement, said with a wistful smile and tilted head, stunned me to my core. I am going to be a father?
It was upon that Muhammadian-esque revelation that three monumental realizations came to the forefront of my mind:
From now on I am going to have to watch what I say. One of my favorite movies (and one of Chelsey's too, don't let her tell you different...her cousin even has a cameo in it BTW) is "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby". If you'll recall (because we all know you've seen it), there is a scene early on where Ricky's dad, Reese Bobby, comes to Career Day and talks - among other things - about what he does for a living: Racing. As a direct result of the 'among other things', Ricky's dad gets tossed out of the school and tells Ricky before he drives off (and out of his life for another ten years or so), "If you ain't first, you're last." Well, Ricky's life from then on is lived by that code and it becomes his trademark. Near the end of that film, Ricky confronts his father with that phrase (because it worked out so well for him). Reese then proceeds to call it nonsensical and blames being high at the time for having said it at all. To him, it was just something cool to say. To his son, who idolized him, it was important. Many times I have traced an opinion or mindset or outlook that I have held for years back to something my father said when I was younger. Those of you who know me, and have known me for a while, know that I have little to no control over what pops out of my oral orifice. My son is doomed.
Solution: Do a LOT less talking. Especially when I am driving and some #$%&$&%& moron cuts me off! Or when Chad 'My Chin Has Its Own Zip Code' Henne !$#$^%$ overthrows a $%#$%&$%wide open receiver!! See what I mean?
From now on I am going to have to watch what I listen to. Some...ok, most of my favorite bands come from the secular side of the spectrum. My wife would add that they also come from the 1990s teenage-wannabe side of the spectrum too...but what does she know? Bands like Radiohead, Weezer, AFI, Smashing Pumpkins, The Offspring, and Jimmy Eat World have dominated my vehicle's CD player for years. Songs like, 'Cherub Rock', 'Evidence', 'Beautiful Thieves', 'Let Down', 'Karma Police', The Greatest Man That Ever Lived', 'My Name is Jonas', and 'Come Out And Play' have been belted (mostly on key) by my person over and over. On my way home from work, I usually listen to sports talk radio on the AM dial (790, 640, 560). I don't know the last time you have heard any of those bands, songs or stations before...but they all aren't rated 'G'. (Especially those AM stations...man, some of the adds they run are pretty sketchy).
Solution: I have already started on this one, listen to more jazz and classical music. As of now I refuse (REFUSE) to allow The Wiggles, Raffi, or Charlie Waffles (eh? eh? Anyone?) into my car. We shall see how long I can hold out.
From now on I am going to have to watch what I watch. Some of our (I am not letting Chelsey off on this one)favorite shows are: The Office, Modern Family, Parks and Recreation, 30 Rock, Seinfeld reruns, 70's show reruns, How I Met Your Mother, Two and a Half Men, and The Soup (<--- we are not particularly proud of those last two...but they are soooooooo funny). Now, even the better shows listed above all have some language and other themes that do not translate well into 'Toddler-ese' and constant exposure to the very young would ultimately lead to one of these moments...and then - in the words of the bard, "It's all downhill from here...". Also, there are movies that I love to watch: "Unforgiven", "Anchorman", "Forrest Gump", "Eastern Promises", "Band of Brothers", and "The Dark Knight" that - even when edited for TV - still would put blush on the ears of my Mother were she around. I'll do you one better, anyone played 'Call of Duty' recently? I'll tell you this much, they capture the vernacular of the military all too well.
Solution: Either watch them really late after he goes to sleep, or find new shows...anyone care to make a recommendation? Also, it's now strictly sports games on the ol' X-Box 360 for me (pre-ordered NHL 12, it's gonna be amazing!!!).
Needless to say, I will need to make some definite life-style changes in order rise up to the standard of Fatherdom my Father set for me. I'll say this much: I cannot wait to hold that little miracle in my arms and tell him over and over how much I love him. I cannot wait for the first time he looks directly at me and says, 'Dada'. I cannot wait for the first time he asks me to play catch with him (or go skating). I cannot wait to take him to his first Panthers game (provided they haven't relocated by then). I do however hope to wait a looooong time before I catch him swearing (my Mom caught me in the 9th grade...and it was not pretty).
FIN
What I am reading now:
1776 - David McCullough
War and Our World - John Keegan
I'm sure the kids will be fine.
ReplyDeleteYou are right about watching what you say, speaking less may or may not work. Definitely stop watching the 'fins in front of the kids, you will be doing him more than one favor. He doesn't need to feel the pain of watching the Dolphins suck every year.